


Return of the Whatever

by voleuse



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-31
Updated: 2004-05-31
Packaged: 2017-10-06 21:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/57989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voleuse/pseuds/voleuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Geek bonding does not always lead to evil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Return of the Whatever

**Author's Note:**

> Set after "I Was Made to Love You."

_i. Mos Eisley_

Xander has a small ritual that he practices every day. When he's done with work, checked out and cleaned up, he swings by a dingy bar downtown and has a beer. It's his way of making the transition from Xander Harris, construction worker, to Xander Harris, demon fighter and bringer of donuts.

Anya and Willow and Buffy and Giles don't know about the bar. He loves them, really, but he needs one thing that's his, and his alone, and separate from both his day and night lives.

One evening, however, he spots a familiar face, and decides to investigate the intrusion.

He slides onto the stool next to the man and smiles. "Warren, right?" He holds out his hand. "Xander."

_ii. C-3PO_

Warren looks at him suspiciously. "Do I know you?"

"We went to high school together," Xander replies. "And I'd say I'm a fan of your work, but I think your work is kind of creepy."

"Sorry--"

Xander interrupts the brush-off. "I'm a friend of Buffy's."

Warren cringes. "Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

Xander signals for a beer, and there's a moment of awkward silence until it arrives. "So, robot girls," Xander pronounces. "Interesting idea. Didn't think it was possible, but then again, I've seen my share of evil robots."

"You...what?"

"Long story."

_iii. Carbonite_

"I get the whole robot girl concept," Xander continues, "but the execution kind of boggles me, y'know? How does _Weird Science_ become reality?"

Warren shrugs. "It's simple, actually, once you're able to establish a functional power source and find the right kind of wiring--"

Xander cuts him off, waving his hands. "I'm sorry I asked."

"It's science." Warren finishes off his beer and orders another. The bartender ignores him until Xander signals in his stead. "If you know the science, it's possible."

"I guess." Xander stares into his drink for a moment, wondering if he really wants to have this conversation. Well, he already is. "I just don't see how you make the transition from, 'I want a girlfriend' to 'I'm going to build me a girlfriend.'"

"Why not?"

_iv. Gold Bikinis_

"Think about it," Warren says, abruptly warming up to the topic. "With the right technology, you could have anyone you want. Models, celebrities, actresses, whatever. You could be dating Britney Spears."

Xander dwells on _that_ idea for a second, then shakes his head. "But it wouldn't _really_ be her. It'd be something built to look like her."

"And sound like her, and move like her." Warren leers. "It's not like anyone wants her for her personality, you know."

"So, anyone?"

Warren nods. "The more unattainable, the better."

_v. Tatooine_

"Even people you've met in real life?" Xander shivers at the thought.

"Sure," Warren shrugs. "Why not?"

"The girls I know would gut you if you did something like that to them."

Warren shifts on his seat. "Like, uh, Buffy?"

"_Definitely_ Buffy." Xander chuckles. "Or Willow, or Anya, or even Tara, I think."

"And when you say _gut_\--"

"Yup. Gut." Xander squints at Warren. "Why?"

"Um." Warren gulps his beer. "No reason. Curious."

_vi. Rebel Alliance_

"Not that Buffy's in the habit of gutting humans, of course," Xander clarifies. He leaves out the part where she solves her problems with violence. If Warren went to Sunnydale High, he'll remember that soon enough.

"Right. Demons and robots only." Warren rolls his eyes. "She _never_ hurts human beings."

_Yup_, Xander thinks. _He definitely remembers Buffy's rep._

"What's up with that?"

"With what?"

"The slaying gig." Warren mimes a punch, and Xander notes he put his thumb inside his fist. "Why bother fighting the so-called evil?"

"Because the evil needs to be fought."

Warren looks at him sidelong. "Right."

_vii. Lando Calrissian_

"So, what about that guy? Spike?" Warren's hand twitches against the bar. "Is he evil?"

"Spike? Yeah." Xander laughs. "Ineffective, but evil."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, he's a _vampire_," Xander enunciates, "so evil's kind of first nature for him."

"But he doesn't kill people or anything, right?"

Xander takes a long draught from his glass, and sets it down with a thump. "Not for lack of trying."

"So, he's evil."

"Totally."

"But you still hang out with him sometimes."

Xander doesn't bother to answer.

_viii. Mara Jade_

"Do, uh, he and Buffy have a thing going on?" Warren's voice drops on _thing_, and he gestures with his hands in a way that's a little obscene.

Xander grimaces and wills away the mental image. "A world of no."

"Really?" Warren taps his fingers against his glass. "Spike seems kind of, y'know, interested."

"Well, yeah. It's kind of twisted." Xander's forehead wrinkles as he frowns. "How did you know that?"

"I, uh, it's kind of obvious, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Xander gestures for another beer, looks at the clock. Almost time to go.

"Spike _is_ an attractive guy." Warren fidgets. "Right?"

"Right." Xander ponders, then wills away _that_ mental image. "But Buffy doesn't do evil. And by doing evil, I mean _doing_ evil." He pauses. "Except for that one time. And he had a soul."

_ix. The Sith_

"A soul?" Warren asks. "What does that have to with anything?"

"Long story." Xander tosses a couple of bills on the counter. "But let's just say, evil does not equal Buffy lovin'."

"So," Warren signals for another beer, and the bartender reluctantly acknowledges him, "Buffy's unattainable. To evildoers."

"Right." Xander stands up. "And I'm pretty sure she's out of your league, too, Warren." He claps him on the shoulder. "No offense."

Warren smiles. "None taken."

Xander strolls out of the bar.

_x. Darth Sidious_

He doesn't see the expression on Warren's face as he exits.

The bartender places another drink in front of Warren and grabs the cash Xander left on the counter. "You know him?"

Warren tips his head, half-nodding. "We went to high school together."

"Decent guy. Comes in here almost every day."

"Yeah?" Warren darts a glance at the door, then back to the bartender. "You know any of his friends?"

"No," the bartender shakes his head, wipes down the counter next to Warren, "but he talks about them some."

"Really?" Warren takes out a pad of paper, a twenty-dollar bill, and a pen. Puts them on the counter, and slides the money to the bartender. "What does he say?"


End file.
